Realisations

I look at my boys and am in wonderment at how well they are turning out. I must be an OK Dad but I think Jane is an awesome mum. At my time of life there is a lot of new stresses presenting themselves with aged parents nearing the end, my own body starting to show signs of wear and tear and the boys on the cusp of early adulthood hood. I hear you say "but they are only 14 and 10" and I know I'm beating the starter's gun a tad, but I cannot help but think about what sort of men I am shaping them to be. Whether its physical fitness habits, diet or temperament, I am just impatient to know I didn't fuck them up in any way. Seeing my own parents ailing just highlights to me I have only another 30 or 40 years to be an effective dad to them. Isn't that a  great thought! I have another 30 or 40 years to breath them in and rejoice in their achievements and watch them being the supermen they are to me. Lewis, the eldest one recently confided to Jane (illustrates how awesome she is) that a 'friend' at his previous school had offered him dope. It never struck me that at 14 he was old enough to be exposed. My very limited experiences with soft drugs didn't start til I was 16 or probably 17. I realise what an excellent mind he has when out from his mouth popped every bad aspect of dope straight from the school text book. I don't think I need fear for him in this respect, he has decided its not for him so far. I cannot imagine what torture it is for a parent to see their child make an alternative decision. Do they block it out maybe? I don't know. I knew a boy once. Keelan. I knew him since he was 2. He and his parents lived in the flat above me when I first moved out of home. I loved him as a son, not even like a son, he filled a part of me I think. Long story short, he made the alternative decision and died at the age of 21. I still miss him. And I still have a deeply troubled heart for his parents, they were good friends yes, but good parents? no. Yes, I'm harsh. What right is it of mine to hold them responsible for Keelan's decisions, he was an adult. Well, because it started when he wasn't an adult. To be 'cool' and 'modern', they agreed to provide limited beer to a 15 year old birthday party for him. As Lewis now approaches that same milestone, I am even more horrified than I was at the time. I realise now, maybe I should have said something to help Keelan more. Actually not maybe, I should have. I should have saved his life. There is not a word guilty enough to describe how I feel about him still to this day. I don't ever plan to give it up either. I do plan use that as my reminder to keep my own boys safe always.