to fear or not to fear!

My lovely wife keeps reminding me that I'm not looking after myself. I'm overweight, work too much, don't exercise, eat whatever and whenever I want and pretty much am on a fast track to a big black hole. When dad was very near death I saw fear in his face. Absolute fear. I always thought there would be a peaceful resignation regarding one's own death but not for my dad. I really can't think that I have any fear about it at all. If I dropped dead tomorrow, it would pretty much be a relief. I'm not saying I want to go but just imagine, there'd be no more. I'd miss my family immensely but that would be the same no matter what age I was. But would I actually be able to miss them if I was dead? They would of course mourn me as they're the ones left to pick up the pieces but when you're dead, you're dead.

Speed and Accuracy

 I got a phone call at work the other day. I was busy at my desk, at the new job, impressing my boss with the speed and accuracy of my communications. We were really under the pump to get the bid for a 40 million dollar project submitted. I answered my phone and it was my eldest, Mr20 . His communication certainly had speed but not so much the accuracy I felt required. There were rapid fire mumbling about his brother, "the dog was in the car", "he went inside" and a whole string of nonsense that I knew I didn't want to hear at that time in that way in that place. As I dropped the phone away from my face after telling him that I'd talk when we got home, I heard his faint voice from a distance saying "I'll message you a photo".

My phone beeped. This is the photo that appeared on my phone. Yes as I suspected, the car had been damaged. Not too badly I thought. A slight crease. I can live with that. The car would still have speed and accuracy.








Then this photo appeared and I realised things we a little more serious than I first anticipated. The door ajar like that gave me my first inkling that the car was no longer capable of speed nor could the door close accurately.  It was only when I saw the last image scroll up the high resolution screen of my OPPO phone that I became truly enlightened.

Yes, its what we like to call in the industry, a right fuck up.

 I took several long, deep breaths searching inside me for whatever understanding and forgiveness I could muster. "But why?" I hear you ask. "You don't even know the full story yet!". OMG you're right. I stayed calm. At the close of business I went home with as much speed and accuracy as I could manage without incurring the wrath of any constabulary. I went inside prepared to hear it wasn't anyone's fault. Possibly the dogs fault though.

Well as it happened, they boys were off to the park with the dog, all in the car, engine running about to back out when Mr 20 remembered he'd left his wallet inside the house. He went to get it and came out just in time to witness the car careering backwards, with neither speed nor accuracy, the door folding back like a camel's knee and a very surprised Mr15 in the front passenger seat leaning over where the handbrake should be. You've heard of the planets aligning? well these planets involved Mr20 leaving the car in gear when he went inside, the handbrake being on but the dog trying to get through to the front seat and Mr15 having to repel him and then well there you have it, the car took off for some reason.
Another planet is that I, only weeks prior, reduced the insurance on the car to fire and theft only.
I knew Mr20 felt bad so didn't have the heart to rip him a new one but did relate to him that I had done the exact same thing once upon a time. I'd wanted to hit a ball against the garage wall so put the family VW in neutral and rolled her back out through the garage doors whilst neatly folding the drivers door backwards as it caught on a post. But as I explained to Mr20 with much speed and accuracy, I was only 10.

Realisations revisited

My blogging has stalled of late and I miss putting finger to keyboard. Not as romantic as pen to paper but you get the gist. I decided to go back in time and see where it all began. On the 9th April 2012, I wrote about Keelan and his premature death. I figured out that maybe I'm a little better nowadays as there was no tears this time. I still love him fondly and hope to meet his child one day and tell him what a special guy his dad was and maybe see a little of Keelan looking back at me.
My realisations today surround the fact that you expect genes to be passed on but am surprised when they seemingly aren't. In reality, maybe its just that you can't see yourself in that light yet and that how you see your offspring is how others see you! I'd be happy with that. Was I like my Dad, are my sons like me? I hope so. My dad was awesome. He's with Mum (and Keelan now I suppose).

was I ever?

I spend a large amount of time shaking my head in frustration at the actions of those in my house way younger than I. It seems there's a perpetual stream of WTF! Part of me knows I was more than likely like that myself at that age but really was I ever? I had my last day of high school on November 30th 1984 and began my first full time employment with BHP on the 10th December that same year. Yes, I had 9 days off after school. If memory serves me correctly I did nothing of consequence. Schoolies was just a new thing back then reserved for the rich kids. Who on earth could afford to go to surfers for a week? I, like most of my friends did not have to concern myself with what I was "going to do". My future, at least for the short term, was mapped out. I was in control of my destiny! or was I ever?
 As I get older I have no idea if I'm getting more or less patient with the world. My 15 year old jokes about my 'flexibility'. He seems to think I'm set in my ways. Truth be told, I love to see new and better things happening. The operative word is BETTER. New music is fine if it's BETTER than say, Pink Floyd. I've not found any that is. Mind you, as I type this, Spotify (yes I'm that flexible) is playing Husky "Splinters in the Fire" and I'm enjoying it immensely. I can hear a guitar playing! an actual musical instrument that creates noise through vibration of some mechanical means. This year's Triple J hottest 100 was on the wrong day and named a crap track as number 1. I'm not for one minute saying I'm the biggest Triple J listener nor that I'm overly familiar with today's ground breaking music scene, but in the past I have at least liked their number 1. I'm shaking my head at them. I'm shaking my head because they turned their back on our day too. If another day is BETTER then I'm all in. Better for who though? All of us or some of us? or maybe most of us? that's an argument for another post though. Back to the thread please author!! Well I'm thinking maybe I always thought I was in control but it's a function of age that enables me to realise I know nothing, am in control of nothing and am simply a source of amusement for those that witness me seemingly being in control. Does that make sense? Ironically as a youngster I was informed I had a high degree of self objectivity but they were wrong!! way wrong!! Its only now I'm suspecting I'm a dick. I'm a dick for being frustrated, I'm a dick for for being inflexible, I'm a dick for not realising I've always been a dick, or was I ever?

Current status

I have just started a new short term job and as I now sit in front of a monitor all day everyday rather than a steering wheel all day every night, I thought i'd check out my blogger account. It seems very few have read anything in months. I did however see that a draft existed titled "Current Status". It was empty. Apparently I was moved to update you last time but no idea on what to say. So this time I shall. My status at the moment can best be described as 'pending'. My job is pending, my business is pending, my weight is pending, the repair of my front fence is pending (that's the subject of another post very soon). Who needs certainty when you have pending? Dad died. It was pending, then became a certainty. Back on Dec 16th the lovely man took in his last breath. It had been expected for a few days but alas, my last ditch effort to get there was not to be. I did however manage to incur a speeding fine but under the circumstances, I could never appeal as I'd feel I was using dad's death to save myself $183. Watching him die on those last few days was a new experience for me. When mum died a few years back, it was my big sister that did all the heavy lifting. I was absent by design. I was taken aback by the fear that showed in his face. His communication was not spoken anymore but just his face that told his story. He was scared. We all assured him that he was safe and he could go but could do little else but prompt the nurses to wack in another dose of whatever that painkiller was. Getting old and infirm and dying is not a glamorous thing to do. Its emotional, doubt filling, regret raising and scary. We all would like to think the last days are no different from now but that the last day hits with a bang and your out, gone. That's not how it happens people. For the lucky one yes, the rest of us no. Just wait, you'll see for yourself.
We had a simple service with the family and some of my little sister's work mates. It was great to see. It was my first eulogy. Its weird but I knew exactly what dad wanted. I didn't have to think about it nor worry about if it was entertaining or witty or heartfelt. Whatever came off my hand as I wrote was right and I was right. It felt right. It sounded right. I had a good grasp of his current status and my own if only for that day.