I started this as an outlet for my artistic release. Someone had advised me that I was lacking and my natural need to express myself was severely hampered in my daily life and suggested I should find a way such as music or writing. I tried the sax lessons but that caused more problems than it solved so I write and here it is.
I've written lots of stuff about useless crap and stories and stuff but not much in the way of how I see life. I should put it into words more often so that I can better understand it myself.
I've had a moment! A moment of clarity and dare I say an epiphany.
Brisbane has storms of late. Big storms. Rain and thunder and lightning and it literally dumps an ocean onto the streets only to disappear within minutes and the hot tropical sun come out of hiding and play. One such storm happened the other Sunday morning. I was up and planning my next trip to the hardware store (I'm not a proper man most times but boy howdy do I love a good hardware store). I wouldn't have classified myself as anything but normal at that time. Driving to the store, I came over a rise and looked out across a freshly stormed city. Everything was glistening wet with the morning sun. Its rays highlighting every flat surface like a sea of mirrors. It was quite spectacular. The sun vaporizing in minutes what the best efforts of the storm could achieve in hours, the steam rising from the ground as I watched. At that time I had a conscious thought that I was happy! I was marveling at life and where I lived and how could anyone take this for granted. I hadn't actually thought about being happy or not before, it was as if the thought just hadn't really occurred to me. I've always just been what I am. Then I thought maybe others actually do identify themselves as being happy and that's the key. It happened again a few days later in a totally unexpected but unprintable place. I'm working on developing a habit of admitting to myself when I'm happy rather than just being the usual blaaahhhhhh. Maybe it will bear fruit, who knows but I'm not thinking about what I haven't got, but what I have. I am blessed with people around me that make me so much more than I can be on my own. I need to acknowledge that too. Why the fuck would I ever be unhappy when I can look at rainy roads and feel elation? Soas this makes sense, I'm making a promise to the world to be cool. I've no interest in being anything but happy anymore and I'll be happy for you too if you need it.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Monday, 18 November 2013
Great Barrier Reef
As young adults living in Wollongong, my now wife and I were fortunate enough to be able to take a 3000 km road trip north to Great Keppel Island. I think we did it 3 or 4 times with other friends some trips and by ourselves on others. One such trip we decided to so a scuba dive course. It was just a one day thing and ended up with a dive on the reef north of Great Keppel. It was great, crustal clear water, colourful fish and coral, a water snake came and said hi to me too. A superb life changing experience. It was a surreal and almost euphoric event.
A few years later with a little more disposable income we ventured to Hawaii with friends. Of course, we had the full tourist experience and wanted more. A dive! just the thing. Actually, why not book 2, there was a discount if you did that. After donning our ill fitting and warn out gear, we descended into the depths and along a large man made structure. The guide stopped us at one point indicating no further. The power station outfall pipe was a good way of being shot out to an oceanic demise. The water was murky, there was a fish at one point and I was starting to taste the rubber of my wet-suit through my skin. We were at the outlet of a power station cooling water exhaust! the sewer of the energy world.
We returned to the surface and the guide's first words were "did you see the fish?" THE fish, yes, we noticed IT. The warm outflow from the power station was to bring fish to the area supposedly. He was literally over the moon about this dive, excited at the clarity, the fish just everything. I could not have been more underwhelmed. I expressed my underwhelmity. He enquired as to why I was not happy. I explained that on our first dive on the Great Barrier Reef...."WHAT!!!!" he interjected. "you've dived on the Great Barrier Reef?" He was genuinely envious. "WOW!! that's so cool dude" He explained that we would never be able to replicate our experience. I had tasted the best the world has to offer in that respect. I was bound to pursue the un-achievable dream forever more knowing that it was the reef and only the reef that would give me that sense of suspended reality. It was both heart breaking to know there was no more searching to be had but at the same time, the reef was unattainable for the foreseeable future.
On holidays in Bali a few years back we had decided to visit a new restaurant each night. No two meals were to come from the same kitchen. On night One I ordered a black rice pudding with coconut cream for dessert. It was mind blowing. I have never had it and wondered why I'd wasted 46 years not seeking it out before now. On night 2 at the next restaurant they had it on the dessert menu also. I ordered it of course and was disappointed. Maybe the next night we will strike it lucky again? Alas no, just as the previous night and all the following nights, each restaurant offered an inferior product. I never got to have it again. It was the barrier reef of the rice world.
So many times in life we experience something that changed our lives and continue the search, always trying to recreate that. And we are destined for failure. I wish there was a way to know when the Great Barrier Reef is in front of us. We could just smile and nod, relax into the knowledge that there is no better place on earth than where you are at that particular moment. My great barrier reef experience is now a long way in the distant memory but I still feel it. The temperature of the water, the way the world went silent except for my own breath escaping the mouthpiece and the air rattling around in the tank. I hold out hope of returning to the reef one day but this time knowing I am in heaven. Appreciating it for what it is and giving it the respect it deserves. I might even order some black rice pudding.
A few years later with a little more disposable income we ventured to Hawaii with friends. Of course, we had the full tourist experience and wanted more. A dive! just the thing. Actually, why not book 2, there was a discount if you did that. After donning our ill fitting and warn out gear, we descended into the depths and along a large man made structure. The guide stopped us at one point indicating no further. The power station outfall pipe was a good way of being shot out to an oceanic demise. The water was murky, there was a fish at one point and I was starting to taste the rubber of my wet-suit through my skin. We were at the outlet of a power station cooling water exhaust! the sewer of the energy world.
We returned to the surface and the guide's first words were "did you see the fish?" THE fish, yes, we noticed IT. The warm outflow from the power station was to bring fish to the area supposedly. He was literally over the moon about this dive, excited at the clarity, the fish just everything. I could not have been more underwhelmed. I expressed my underwhelmity. He enquired as to why I was not happy. I explained that on our first dive on the Great Barrier Reef...."WHAT!!!!" he interjected. "you've dived on the Great Barrier Reef?" He was genuinely envious. "WOW!! that's so cool dude" He explained that we would never be able to replicate our experience. I had tasted the best the world has to offer in that respect. I was bound to pursue the un-achievable dream forever more knowing that it was the reef and only the reef that would give me that sense of suspended reality. It was both heart breaking to know there was no more searching to be had but at the same time, the reef was unattainable for the foreseeable future.
On holidays in Bali a few years back we had decided to visit a new restaurant each night. No two meals were to come from the same kitchen. On night One I ordered a black rice pudding with coconut cream for dessert. It was mind blowing. I have never had it and wondered why I'd wasted 46 years not seeking it out before now. On night 2 at the next restaurant they had it on the dessert menu also. I ordered it of course and was disappointed. Maybe the next night we will strike it lucky again? Alas no, just as the previous night and all the following nights, each restaurant offered an inferior product. I never got to have it again. It was the barrier reef of the rice world.
So many times in life we experience something that changed our lives and continue the search, always trying to recreate that. And we are destined for failure. I wish there was a way to know when the Great Barrier Reef is in front of us. We could just smile and nod, relax into the knowledge that there is no better place on earth than where you are at that particular moment. My great barrier reef experience is now a long way in the distant memory but I still feel it. The temperature of the water, the way the world went silent except for my own breath escaping the mouthpiece and the air rattling around in the tank. I hold out hope of returning to the reef one day but this time knowing I am in heaven. Appreciating it for what it is and giving it the respect it deserves. I might even order some black rice pudding.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Too much
It appears to me that sometimes I may be just a little too much for folks. After cooking for friends and trying to make everything perfect and wanting to just see them enjoy what I do (and of course bask in their adulation), I get told I'm manic!
am I?
what is that anyways?
when arranging a dinner for my closest friends, sometimes I like to try to include other groups, friends of friends and other interested parties, maybe even complete strangers. Strangers in that I've never met them in person but friends in that we share an apparent interest. I think I'm in the minority though. Does one fill in the blanks when dealing with such limited knowledge about individuals and maybe attribute them with ideal characteristics? I think they are all great people but how wrong can I be? maybe they're horrible unfriendly and boring people that just happen to make nice ideas appear in 140 characters? The ones I've met so far would indicate I'm correct in my optimistic assumptions though. Oh except one, but I won't name them here!
I'm not unhappy with my friends, quite the contrary, I love all of them intensely and would seriously do anything for any one of them, and they know that. I am god father to many of their kids and they to mine. Our friendships vary in length from 41 years to 1 year. My tendencies to talk to many are not a reflection of my love for them in the least.
Is there something wrong with me! humans are social creatures are they not? How else can you explain society? The first neanderthal thought it would be nice to live close to the other one and well off it goes from there. Move on a few thousand years and social media is the fastest growing non business on the planet. So maybe I'm just ahead of the rest of the planet?
Maybe there is a limit to how many friends one can successfully maintain and provide the attention each deserves. Maybe that's the key! Are most of us at full capacity? is our friends book closed and not currently interviewing? do we reach that by natural means and maintain that or is it decided for us by society and we live with what we get? Do we make a conscious decision?
Recently on holiday in the US, the locals were surprised to be talked to by a complete stranger (me). They were often quite happy to but it was never their choice. Why do I force myself on others like that even if its in such a minor way.
I write this to myself and ask myself these questions knowing that about 46 people will read it (statistically insignificant in the scheme of things) but maybe one of you knows the answers. This is after all my self therapy so chances are by the time you finish reading this I would have answered my own questions but then again, I'm a bit too much for myself and am just ignoring me now.
am I?
what is that anyways?
when arranging a dinner for my closest friends, sometimes I like to try to include other groups, friends of friends and other interested parties, maybe even complete strangers. Strangers in that I've never met them in person but friends in that we share an apparent interest. I think I'm in the minority though. Does one fill in the blanks when dealing with such limited knowledge about individuals and maybe attribute them with ideal characteristics? I think they are all great people but how wrong can I be? maybe they're horrible unfriendly and boring people that just happen to make nice ideas appear in 140 characters? The ones I've met so far would indicate I'm correct in my optimistic assumptions though. Oh except one, but I won't name them here!
I'm not unhappy with my friends, quite the contrary, I love all of them intensely and would seriously do anything for any one of them, and they know that. I am god father to many of their kids and they to mine. Our friendships vary in length from 41 years to 1 year. My tendencies to talk to many are not a reflection of my love for them in the least.
Is there something wrong with me! humans are social creatures are they not? How else can you explain society? The first neanderthal thought it would be nice to live close to the other one and well off it goes from there. Move on a few thousand years and social media is the fastest growing non business on the planet. So maybe I'm just ahead of the rest of the planet?
Maybe there is a limit to how many friends one can successfully maintain and provide the attention each deserves. Maybe that's the key! Are most of us at full capacity? is our friends book closed and not currently interviewing? do we reach that by natural means and maintain that or is it decided for us by society and we live with what we get? Do we make a conscious decision?
Recently on holiday in the US, the locals were surprised to be talked to by a complete stranger (me). They were often quite happy to but it was never their choice. Why do I force myself on others like that even if its in such a minor way.
I write this to myself and ask myself these questions knowing that about 46 people will read it (statistically insignificant in the scheme of things) but maybe one of you knows the answers. This is after all my self therapy so chances are by the time you finish reading this I would have answered my own questions but then again, I'm a bit too much for myself and am just ignoring me now.
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