Swimming with the tide

For so long I've just taken the easy path and swum with the tide, not fighting nor caring but just going with the flow. I've recently started pushing back and feel the invigoration of the pressure wave trying to push me over but unsuccessfully. It's unrelenting force once unbearable is now a cause for celebration as I exceed my own expectations and win the daily battles. Getting things done and maintaining the momentum is the key. Whether it's home improvements, buying boats, or simply having food on the table the urge to sit back and let life happen to you must be resisted and you be in control. Yes I'm a control freak as has previously been discussed but this is different. This is being decisive, knowing not only what you want but also what you need out of life and working towards achieving it. I've just been dumb lucky until now. Fate isn't going to steer me for the next bit but shall be a spectator as I flourish and grow by my own hand and not just in tow of others. 

worse

What is it that drives me to gnaw and chew at my nails, tearing up flesh like old tarmac and leaving me bleeding and raw? What is it that is missing in my brain that says "boy that's gonna hurt like fuck when you've finished" I have no idea. I started when i was 5 after my big op.(found here) so claims my mother but I really have no memory of never having the urge to consume myself from the digits up. I gave up smoking easier than this. I did have some success in that I worked my way up from my thumbs. Goals are to be achievable and small step improvements are always a good start. I left my thumbs alone and pretty soon the urge to remove those nails diminished. then the forefinger, given time they grew back and normal maths would expect you to think the chewing would have reduced by 40% at this point. Incorrect. I just focused the entire 100% effort on the remaining 60% of nails. take 2 more nails out of the equation and well you end up with blood. On the upside I have 6 perfectly manicured nails the pride of any drag queen! On the downside, I inflict such agony on myself it drives me to write to an anonymous universe asking why I do it. I've tried every chemical deterrent known to man, I've given those closest to me the absolute irrites on a regular basis. To say I am OCD about it is like saying I'm ..... I just took a strip off my right ring finger nail bed trying to think of a good word......lets just say I'm somewhat manic and stop it there. It churns inside me and I find it quite uncontrollable. I find most things about me quite uncontrollable. Maybe I'm just weak and looking for excuses or maybe I'm just plain FITH. Whatever it is, its worse than any alternative. I'm worse. just plain worse.
PS I just looked at google images wondering if I should add some colour and mine are worse.

Another Position Vacant

It hurts. Not a thing I can do about it but it hurts. I've had you around for so long it just seemed you'd always be there but times change, things change, relationships change. I'm sure one day we may run into each other and smile and be courteous but ex-best friends don't sit well with me. You are or you aren't. there's no in between. I could grovel and beg and force you into something you just aren't anymore but that would diminish what was once there. I'm accepting, I have to be. I'm as much to blame. I know that. Just know that my thoughts of you are nothing but warmth. You out grew me and I just have to be big enough to accept that. 41 years was not such a bad inning though. Id have preferred it was 82 though. Yet another position vacancy to fill. It's impossible though as you are the only one that could ever fill it. I miss you every day.

Today

It fills to the brim, every day more than the last
it swells and creaks and creeps into every last crevice
the push is unrelenting but subtle, barely a puff but complete in its coverage
its hue is black as the ocean depths, depriving of oxygen and squeezing out breath
it has a smell too, musky, dank, dirty and vile all at once.
its here to stay now. get used to it.