worse

What is it that drives me to gnaw and chew at my nails, tearing up flesh like old tarmac and leaving me bleeding and raw? What is it that is missing in my brain that says "boy that's gonna hurt like fuck when you've finished" I have no idea. I started when i was 5 after my big op.(found here) so claims my mother but I really have no memory of never having the urge to consume myself from the digits up. I gave up smoking easier than this. I did have some success in that I worked my way up from my thumbs. Goals are to be achievable and small step improvements are always a good start. I left my thumbs alone and pretty soon the urge to remove those nails diminished. then the forefinger, given time they grew back and normal maths would expect you to think the chewing would have reduced by 40% at this point. Incorrect. I just focused the entire 100% effort on the remaining 60% of nails. take 2 more nails out of the equation and well you end up with blood. On the upside I have 6 perfectly manicured nails the pride of any drag queen! On the downside, I inflict such agony on myself it drives me to write to an anonymous universe asking why I do it. I've tried every chemical deterrent known to man, I've given those closest to me the absolute irrites on a regular basis. To say I am OCD about it is like saying I'm ..... I just took a strip off my right ring finger nail bed trying to think of a good word......lets just say I'm somewhat manic and stop it there. It churns inside me and I find it quite uncontrollable. I find most things about me quite uncontrollable. Maybe I'm just weak and looking for excuses or maybe I'm just plain FITH. Whatever it is, its worse than any alternative. I'm worse. just plain worse.
PS I just looked at google images wondering if I should add some colour and mine are worse.