Sorry

I spend too much of my time saying sorry I think. Is that good or bad? Good that I have understood wrongdoing but bad that I did anything to warrant it in the first place. Or is it just that I placate to not have it escalate. I have no idea. Making a mistake at work and having to do the knowing nod and admit your failings and attention to detail and yes it won't happen again is necessary in work's eyes but not mine. If I make a mistake I am the one that perpetually beats myself up on the inside and tries not to do it again. Why isn't the assumption that intentions were pure yet outcomes went awry? If the intentions were not pure, then simply saying sorry after the fact is somewhat vacuous. The human need to hear sorry assumes the person isn't actually sorry unless it's verbalised. There needs to two versions of the word. One for "I did it because I wanted to and you didn't like it so sorry but shall I continue to do it" and another for "wow that took me by surprise that that happened because I really meant something else to happen so sorry". Sorry is something deep inside that isn't manufactured by a request or a look, its a pre-existing condition. You either are or you aren't.
I get cranky at the kids for no reason and say sorry. When I say no reason at all I mean they didn't cause me to be that cranky at that time but that other preceding factors from the day culminated with them not bringing the bins in and well why not I say! I don't remember my parents ever saying sorry to me but I knew when they were. I do though, mine appreciate it I think.
I say sorry to my wife for not being what I was to have done/said/been/thought and I must admit that's on a pretty frequent basis.
If I was never to do anything ever that required me to apologise I think I'd be the most boring shit on the planet. As a cub leader, I broke long established rules for camps with a view to making the camps better for kids and parents. They were so much better I never had to say sorry. So sorry is only there if it works out bad, not if it is bad to start with.
I'm sorry this post is such a god awful boring one. When I have a thought and run with it, often its just because I am me and will always be so and just no use swimming against the tide.  I am the one that does stuff that ends in the word sorry. And I am sorry about that I think.