Death

I don't think I'm very good with death. I'd like to think I was cool and logical about it but I'm not. When my grandfather died I remember just being concerned for dad and so pretty much avoided the emotional side of grandpa altogether. When grandma died, I didn't have my full reaction until years later sitting with my cousin as we did a nostalgic drive by of their old house. I had not actually cried at the time of her death but made up for it that night. I have no idea what I can't process appropriate reactions at the appropriate time. I've talked about Keelan before on this blog in Realisations and that is a great example of how poor I am in this aspect of being human. I know I have a few others in the making. Mum and Dad, maybe an aunt and well there is mine down the track a bit too.
The prompter for me in this post was the recent death of a lovely young woman called Stacey. Stacey worked with my wife and was a very close friend of hers as well. I remember the first time I met her was in the office and after I was introduced, she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me and said "oh so this is 'the' justin". She smiled up at me and and I was instantly as in love with her as every other person that ever had the fortune to meet her. Stacy was such an utterly lovely person, so warm and giving, her smile would always be such a great one that it ignited your subconscious into smiling back in reply. Stacey was infectious and just a joy to know. Her eyes lit up when she talked to you and Stacey was genuinely interested in everything you had to say. A few years ago, not long after I'd met her for the first time, she commented to Jane that her wrist was sore and in the coming months after other symptoms arrived, she was diagnosed as suffering motor neurone syndrome. If you don't know what it is, Google it but pray to whomever you pray to that it stays away from you. Stacey was vibrant, fit and gorgeous person being scrunched into a wretched and painful rack of a body that eventually had to give in. Our contact with Stacey decreased in the last year, more so because it was just too much for her to bare I think. Mike, her hubby, had to maintain every aspect of her life to give her as much time as possible. I never knew anyone could be as selfless as Mike. He gave up his entire existence for his wife during her illness. He will always have my utter respect for that.
I have not cried over Stacey yet. I can't honestly say she was a close friend of mine or that I would have counted large in her list of people to spend time with but her death was upsetting for me. I dared not look at her in the coffin at the risk of letting this sea of emotion spill forth that again would be totally inappropriate. I'm just not good with death.
When I decide its time to go that'll be it. I will be disappearing off into the distance and oblivion. I'm not going to hang around and be inappropriate about my own demise. No one here need worry about nursing me through a devastating disease nor have to draw straws as to who will be a pall bearer. For those that know me, I know that thought has passed through your mind at least once! It's a fair way off I know but I want to be prepared so that afterwards, people will say "He was good with his own death".